Dear Santa

Dear Santa, 

This year please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please don't mix those two you like you did last year. 

Thanks.

Free Letter Sized printable of this, HERE - you know, incase you want to mail it:)

Spanish Version

How to Make God Laugh

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans"

~Woody Allen~

Yes, He LITERALLY wants us to Follow Him:)

My friend posted this on her page, so funny! It reminded me of some of the talks from General Conference about social media and the internet - yes people, He LITERALLY wants us to follow Him:)

If You Want to Make God Laugh.....

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

-Woody Allen

Even as I type this, God is probably rolling on the floor with laughter thinking about 'my' plans - you're welcome God:)

Just for Fun

"Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn't find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said "Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start." He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back in....You're the Bishop."

This was the opening remark by Sister Roche, the Washington D.C. temple matron, at the last Wilmington, N.C. Stake conference.

Just for Fun: Tom Cruise Shares His Thoughts on Home Teaching!

BYU does Old Spice, "Study like a Scholar, Scholar"

If you haven't seen this, it's hilarious, a take on the Old Spice commercial:

Mormon Synchronized Swimming

Maybe you could try this for your next ward talent show:)

"Dad...why are we here?"

This made me giggle:

"At a recent Stake Conference of the Chula Vista, California Stake, President Paul B. Duncan related the following story.

President Duncan explained how Saturday was a day to get things done around their house because of work, family and church responsibilities. Just a few weeks ago he and his youngest son Jeff who is six years old had just finished mowing the lawn and were putting things away. President Duncan thought this would be a terrific opportunity to rest and spend a few minutes with Jeff. The two of them crawled up on the family's trampoline and gazed up into the blue sky. With a puzzled look Jeff turned and asked "Dad,...Why are we here?" President Duncan thought this would be great teaching opportunity so he explained how we are children of our Father in Heaven, How he has sent us here because he loves us and wants us to experience the things he has created for us, How he wants us to serve one another, to learn, to grow and to develop those qualties that will allow us to return to live with Him some day. President Duncan paused and asked if that had answered his question. Jeff responded, "Not really". President Duncan then began to think how else he might be able to answer the question when Jeff again asked, "Dad,...Why are we here?...weren't we supposed to pick Mom up an hour ago?"

(Re-posted from here)

Sound Familiar?

Note: I am potty training at the moment, and need all the funny I can get:)

A Funny For Your Day - Parenting Tips!

Can Any of You Mothers Relate to This?

Mama Bear, Bjork, trying to shake her baby down from a tree! I know I can relate..... multiple times each day!

The Slow-Track Program!

I was sent this the other day..... where do I sign up, j/k:)
----------------------------------------------------
Church Unveils "Slow-Track" Program
SALT LAKE CITY

In order to better meet the needs of "our most average members," church representative Howard S. Jeppeson announced the creation of a new slow-track membership program. "This program caters to those members of the church who may not be top-level celestial material but who are still willing to put in a nominal effort toward their own salvation," he said.

The slow-track program includes the same components of normal church membership, but at a more relaxed pace. Members who sign on for the program are required to read scriptures and have personal and family prayer once a week, attend church once a month, visit teach or home teach four times a year, and watch one session of general conference every other year. If slow-track members can commit to these requirements for five years, they can earn a temple recommend stamped with an S for "slow track," after which they are expected to attend the temple semiannually. According to Jeppeson, the church may create a shorter, condensed version of the temple ceremony for S-track members "in order to better accommodate those members' shorter attention spans and lower levels of ambition."

Social historian Jane Schippen, PhD, a long-time scholarly observer of Mormon society, hails the new slow-track program. "Mormonism pays a great deal of attention to its high achievers, like those who are stake president before they turn forty or women who have eight children and maintain a spotless house," she observed. Similarly, she continued, "Mormons spend a lot of time and energy worrying about those on the other end of the spectrum, the less-actives." She sees the slow-track program as "a way to acknowledge and honor the vast majority of Mormons, those who will never hold high positions of leadership but who are nevertheless active - the sloggers, if you will."

Logan Stake president Gary L. Hackett agrees with Schippen and says that the new slow-track program "will prod the lazy ones into progressing at least a little bit, which is an improvement." He estimates that implementing the slow track will cut administrative tasks, such as nagging phone calls to complete home or visiting teaching, by as much as 75 percent. "It's about time we recognized that not everyone in the church is that top ten percent of the celestial kingdom material," he notes. "And, really, that's okay. I mean the bottom two levels of the celestial kingdom are supposed to be pretty good too, right?"

Most members seem happy with the soon-to-be-implemented system. "Let's face it," says local member Larry K. Whiting. "I'm not cut out for this high-paced, pressure-oriented Mormon lifestyle. I mean, home teaching four families every month? The scheduling alone takes way too much time. And then I have to go over there and pretend I care about these people when I'd rather be home watching ESPN? Give me the slow-track program any day." Local member Kendra Koenig agrees. "Do you know how much fun it is trying to roust five kids out of bed for family scripture study and prayer at 6:30 AM? I am sick to death of nagging them about it, and you can believe it's not doing our family harmony any good." She praised the slow-track system for offering a more realistic temple-attendance schedule. "Like anyone who has a life can manage to get out there twice a month? This slow-track program is the answer to my infrequent prayers."

Visiting Teaching Funny!

Just For Laughs!

If only it were this easy...

ZION VISITING TEACHING SERVICE
" We Care Because You Don't Have Time To"

* Visiting teaching getting you down?
* Can't get that annoying Relief Society President off your back?
* Visiting teaching interfering with your valuable television and craft time?
WE CAN HELP!

At Zion's Visiting Teaching Service, we'll do your visiting teaching for you.

For a small monthly fee, we will send one of our representatives to the homes of your sisters.
* For $10.00 per sister, we will provide a visit
* For $15.00 per sister, we will provide a spiritual message.
* For $20.00 per sister, we will remember birthdays and anniversaries.

$20 isn't too much to pay for Peace of Mind. So give us a call at:
*1-800-462-2879 - That's 1-800-IM-2-BUSY *

Because of high volume an extra $15.00 will be added to all services required on the last day of the month.

*****************************************************************************

Check Out Our New Services!!!
*Meetings*

We will send a representative to the appropriate meeting to take notes for you and report back.

* Ward Council Meeting $30
* Ward Council Meeting w/ written report $50
* Presidency Meetings $20
* PEC $25
* Sacrament Meeting $20
* Sunday School $20
* Priesthood $20
* 3-hour Sunday Block (best value) $50

PLEASE NOTE: Surcharge of 10% for stake meetings
___________________________________________________________________

Talks and Lessons

Did a bishopric member call and assign you a talk? Tired of wasting Saturday night preparing a lesson? Well, free up your time and just read one of our professionally prepared talks and lessons. No need to spend countless hours poring through books, writing and praying. We'll do it for you!

* Basic Talk (any subject assigned) $20
* Scripture Talk (basic + 5 scriptures) $30
* Deluxe Talk (scripture + 1 poem + 2 G.A. quotes) $40
All talks are guaranteed to last 15 minutes. Add $1 for each additional minute
* Basic Lesson (40 minutes) $25
* Deluxe (Basic + visual aides) $35
* Super Deluxe (Deluxe + Handouts) $45

- Due to high expectations, centerpieces and floral arrangements, Relief Society lessons are slightly higher. Call for quote.
- Due to lower expectations, priesthood lessons receive a 10% discount.

*Call us at 1-822-752-2537. That's 1-822-Slacker *.

Introducing our Bundle Buys and Frequent Shopper Plan
Bundle any 3 services and receive a 20% discount. Receive one free Basic talk or lesson with any 10 purchases.

There you have it! We take all the work off of your shoulders and put ours to the wheel just for you.

*****************************************
Introducing our new:
Casserole Service

If you just can't possibly throw together food for various Ward occasions, WE CAN!

*Our basic services include:*
a.. Funeral Potatoes
b.. Green Bean/Mushroom Soup with Crunchy Onions
c.. Green Jell-O with Carrots
d.. Spinach Dip in a Bread Bowl
e.. CheezWiz/Tater Tot Surprise

For only $15 (plus deposit) each delivered to your house with Corningware marked with your name! They'll never know you didn't make 'em!

Remember our number: 1-822-S-L-A-C-K-E-R

A Typical Day in the Life of a Mommy!

For all you fabulous mommies out there, sound familiair???

Everything is Better with Ice Cream!!

Hilary Weeks' favorite things:)

"Come What May, and Laugh" - Joseph B. Wirthlin

Elder Wirthlin passed away yesterday, aged 91 years old. I was reading his last conference address from his talk called ;Come What May, and Laugh', and loved the 'Learn to Laugh' section. Here it is, I hope it brings a smile to your face too:

"The first thing we can do is learn to laugh. Have you ever seen an angry driver who, when someone else makes a mistake, reacts as though that person has insulted his honor, his family, his dog, and his ancestors all the way back to Adam? Or have you had an encounter with an overhanging cupboard door left open at the wrong place and the wrong time which has been cursed, condemned, and avenged by a sore-headed victim?

There is an antidote for times such as these: learn to laugh.

"I remember loading up our children in a station wagon and driving to Los Angeles. There were at least nine of us in the car, and we would invariably get lost. Instead of getting angry, we laughed. Every time we made a wrong turn, we laughed harder.

Getting lost was not an unusual occurrence for us. Once while heading south to Cedar City, Utah, we took a wrong turn and didn’t realize it until two hours later when we saw the “Welcome to Nevada” signs. We didn’t get angry. We laughed, and as a result, anger and resentment rarely resulted. Our laughter created cherished memories for us.

I remember when one of our daughters went on a blind date. She was all dressed up and waiting for her date to arrive when the doorbell rang. In walked a man who seemed a little old, but she tried to be polite. She introduced him to me and my wife and the other children; then she put on her coat and went out the door. We watched as she got into the car, but the car didn’t move. Eventually our daughter got out of the car and, red faced, ran back into the house. The man that she thought was her blind date had actually come to pick up another of our daughters who had agreed to be a babysitter for him and his wife.

We all had a good laugh over that. In fact, we couldn’t stop laughing. Later, when our daughter’s real blind date showed up, I couldn’t come out to meet him because I was still in the kitchen laughing. Now I realize that our daughter could have felt humiliated and embarrassed. But she laughed with us, and as a result, we still laugh about it today.

The next time you’re tempted to groan, you might try to laugh instead. It will extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable."

(Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin , General Conference, October 2008)

Thank you Elder Wirthlin, you will be missed.

.... And

Something to laugh about from a Deseret Book Magazine in 2005 -“And”by Robert Farrell Smith

There is a division out there. Not male or female or young and old not those who carefully wind the vacuum cord around those two smug little hooks and those who just loosely hang it around the top one. Nope, the division I'm talking about is one of words, or word, or more specifically, and. Let me clarify. You're in the church foyer wondering where a person could actually purchase furniture like the furniture which lies before you, and someone comes walking down the hall. They say, "You cut your hair." They then walk off to get tithing envelopes, or zip-lock bag filled with chalk and erasers. Lets call those kind of people group "B."

Now, you’re the foyer; thinking, about how avant garde it is to use burlap on the walls when someone comes walking down the hall. They look at you and say, “'You cut your hair ... and it looks good.” Lets call this group of people group "A".

For the record I like these people better.

Not that I don't love group "B." They are often wonderful people and their behavior in no way stops me from contemplating how nice it will be when we finally share one heart and one mind. But I’m usually perfectly aware that my hair has been cut, other things night pass me by, but it would take a significant event for me to forget that some strange person recently spent fifteen minutes hovering around my head with sharp scissors: l know about the haircut; it's the looking good part that confuses me. Again, I'm clarifying.

I have a friend, well actually, I know someone named Les: Which is appropriate, seeing how he truly feels that less is more. He apparently hasn't heard of the word and. "You got married." "You're wearing a new dress."”You wrote an article." I don't know about you, but I was always taught that it was impolite to simply point. ‘And’ makes most things better. "You got married . . . and we're happy for you." "You're wearing a new dress . . . and it looks nice." "You wrote an article . . . and I'm confused."

Sometimes I'll help by filling in the ‘and’ for those who might be ‘anduarly’ challenged. "Hey Robert, you cut your hair." "And I've never seen anything more handsome," I'll add for them. It's then fun to watch them try and find a nice way to express that that was not where they were going with that.

It's petty, I know, but I just think life's nicer when we move from observation to positive opinion. Where would the original Saints have gotten by simply announcing that they were Mormon? It's that "We're, Mormon and let me tell you every single wonderful thing about it" that got most of us here today. That's my gospel tie-in to my random thinking. I suppose I simply want to spread the good word by saying more and not less. To clarify, "You read my article . . . and I couldn't think more fondly of you.”

I just rely loved this thought AND I am going to express positive opinion more today because of it:)